My Story

 

My journey begins when I was a young girl. At a very young age, I was quickly made aware that my menstrual cycle was nothing like my friends. They would all talk nonchalantly about their monthly cycle and how annoying it was. I on the other hand was usually laid up in bed, in terrible pain and vomiting. I would spend 1 – 3 days like this every month.

 

My parents did everything that they knew to do with the help of lots of medications and doctors. The goal at first was to get the pain under control and then to figure out what was causing it. I had my first surgery when I was 16 and that is when they discovered I had severe endometriosis. With that diagnosis came a lot of medications, doctor’s appointments and eventually lots of surgeries.  Endometriosis is a hormonal disease that actually looks like a bunch of spider webs around your uterus, ovaries, bowel, bladder and really any structure it can attach itself to. It causes your organs to bind together and to also grow masses that eventually affect the function of those organs and your fertility. We didn’t know how severe this was as we started going through this process.

 

Shortly after my diagnosis and my first surgery I was made aware that having children was going to be a challenge. At 17 years old we were already concentrating on protecting my fertility and doing everything we could so that I could eventually become pregnant and carry our own children. By the time I was 24, I had already had  5 surgeries to protect my fertility. My husband Scott and I got married in 2003 and the clock was already ticking. We had a very short period of time that our doctors would allow us to try to conceive on our own before they would need to intervene.

 

They would need to intervene because not being on medication to slow down the endometriosis meant that it could wreak havoc in my body and cause a whole ton of problems. With the help of our doctors we had tried many things to get pregnant including many medications. Unfortunately, each medication continued to make the endometriosis worse because of the hormones involved in  getting pregnant.

 

The fertility medications were causing the endometriosis to get worse.  Up to this point we were extremely hopeful that we would be able to get pregnant and not have to spend a lot of money to get pregnant. This really crushed us. I remember thinking, seriously, you cannot even get pregnant with all these medications, how is anything else going to work.  Even though I knew this wasn’t my fault, I still carried a lot of guilt around with me because it was me that was not able to get pregnant. I wanted to have a family more than my next breath. I remember being so upset seeing all these young women get pregnant by accident and I just didn’t understand. We were good people, we would be great parents but here we were still trying. I was defeated, upset, hurt and so angry and bitter that is started to change who I was. I had such a hard time attending baby showers and seeing friends and family have babies. I just yearned so much for a family and I knew I needed to change my perception on things and we had to keep trying. So, I started researching everything I could about hormones and fertility, it was a way for me to feel more in control even though I had no control at all at this point. We were given the news that we had dreaded hearing, the only option for us at this point was In Vitro Fertilization. The bomb had been dropped and the room was silent. My immediate reaction was there is no way. I am not doing that. We cannot afford that. What are people going to think? I want to have a baby on my own, like normal people, not with the help of tons of doctors and nurses. As we left the office that day, I cried the whole way home. A steady stream of tears filled with defeat rolled down my face. It almost burned at times because all our dreams had been crushed. We honestly didn’t think we would be able to do the In Vitro Fertilization because of the expense.

 

After many sleepless nights and early morning talks we were finally willing to look into what was all involved in the In Vitro process. We knew at this point, it was time to start our journey down the in vitro fertilization road.

 

At that time in our life we were not aware of any family or friends that had ever dealt with any fertility issues.  We also didn’t know anybody that had ever done in vitro fertilization before. We felt alone. We didn’t have anyone that understood what we were going through. The doctor appointments, the shots, the medications, the disappointment month after month. All our friends and family were popping out kids like nothing. I swear they would sit on the same toilet seat and they would get pregnant, it was just that easy for a lot of the people we knew. There were also lots of comments from people asking, “when are you two going to start having kids?” They would also say things like, “that baby looks good on you, what are you waiting for?” At this point, I let them have it. Through tears and filled with anger, I would tell people we couldn’t have kids. We had been trying for 2 years already at this point and nothing was working.  Let me tell you, there was nothing easy about this process. On top of being a very stressful experience, In Vitro is also a very expensive treatment!

 

But we had decided together, that having children was extremely important to us so we were willing to invest the money financially and we were also willing to be 100% invested physically and emotionally.

 

When dealing with fertility, you are not only dealing with an issue of not being able to get pregnant, you are also dealing with the emotional disappointment that you are not able to get pregnant on your own.

 

I can honestly say I’m not sure which part of it was more challenging, the physical part or the emotional part.  Luckily, Scott and I were both very strong individually and as a couple.

 

We leaned on each other a lot during the tough days. At first it was the stress of all the appointments. Then it was learning how to give myself 5 shots a day and having 5-6 medications to take throughout the day at a certain time. I cried a lot. I was so frustrated. I didn’t want to be taking the medication or giving myself the shots. It hurt, I didn’t feel good and I honestly didn’t know if it was going to be worth it. Scott was there to remind me that I was stronger than I was giving myself credit for and that I could do this. He would even have to give me one shot every night. Talk about trust! Letting your husband give you a shot in the butt every day when he knows nothing about the medical field took a lot of trust. He would write me little notes (that I kept) telling me how much he loved me and was proud of me for all I was going through. This whole time he saw me flow through these emotions every day and sometimes hourly. Some days I was on top of the world and other days I was mad at the world. I cried, I yelled, and I wanted to quit. I was so mad at times that I would just look up and tell God how pissed I was at him. I just didn’t understand. Sharing these emotions with Scott helped him to understand what I was going through and helped me to release those raw emotions and keep from holding them in. Sometimes he would just give me a hug and other times we would try to laugh through it. It was the simple things that helped us get through the tough days. A hug, a kiss, a movie, or even just going out with friends and trying to relax.

 

We started our first round of In-Vitro after saving for many, many, many months. The problem is that this was not a cheap option but I couldn’t put a price on being a mom. I so desperately desired to be a mom and wanted my husband to be able to be the amazing dad I knew he could be. We were pretty open about the fertility treatment at this point because it was our situation and our story. Even though we had all these people supporting us, I still felt lonely. You don’t want to share all the details and emotions with everyone because they just don’t understand. We often hear, it will all happen in God’s timing. This was the hardest thing to hear. With all due respect (I still love God to his day) during this time in my life, I didn’t give a damn about God’s timing. Why were we being punished when we were good people and would make great parents. I didn’t understand or appreciate the comments to say the least. I chose to lean on my husband and a dear friend of mine Angela. They were my rock. I could call Angela out of frustration, fear or reach out to her and find the support and encouragement I needed to push on.  My husband was a great support for me but keep in mind, he wasn’t me. He didn’t understand what I was going through physically, spiritually and emotionally as these medications were wreaking havoc on my body. I was trying to hold it all together and needed an outlet other than him once in a while. Angela was that for me. Scott was dealing with his own frustrations in this very emotional process, he didn’t need all of mine on top of his own.

 

With an extremely optimistic first cycle, we were thrilled to be able to harvest a great amount of eggs for fertilization from the first cycle. Once everything was done and ready for us, we went back for the In-Vitro. We were excited, scared, and extremely hopeful. Then the day came for the blood test, the anticipation, the fear and the anxiety was almost more than I could handle. I was at work and I remember going first thing in the morning for the blood test. I needed to know right away. Little did I know, that knowing was worse than not knowing. At least I had hope before. I got the call later that morning that I was not pregnant and to stop all the medications they had me on. I was crushed. I was numb and didn’t want to call my husband to break this terrible news to. He was going to be crushed as well. The phone calls are a blur, I think my subconscious mind blocked those memories so I could keep my sanity. I remember coming home and looking around the house thinking that we may never fill this house with little hands and feet. We had just built a new house and were looking forward to raising our children in this house.

 

So, what do you do when you are totally defeated and feeling terrible. You and your husband drive to the local Dairy Queen for ice cream. Through the constant flow of tears, I remember eating a laffy taffy. On the back of the laffy taffy was a joke. This joke was surely sent from God. To help me to relax, to help me to pull through all the tears and use laughter to get me through the tough times. The joke read, What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A Roman Catholic. I seriously busted out laughing. I was now crying from not only being defeated and crushed but from this joke that seemed so silly. I couldn’t stop laughing and crying, it was hilarious. It felt so great to get that release from something like a joke. That is still a joke that makes me giggle when I tell it. Through the defeat we pressed on. As friends were getting married and were becoming pregnant and having babies, we were still trying. I swear, friends would think about having a baby and they would get pregnant.  I was becoming more and more angry through the process. The expense and the emotional strain this was putting on our marriage at such an early stage in our married life was tough. We pressed on with the In-Vitro fertilization from the frozen cycle with the eggs we had left. We went into this cycle completely secretly. We didn’t tell anyone except Angela. She was the only one that knew. When the In-Vitro failed the first time, not only were we crushed but then we had to keep telling people over and over again that it wasn’t successful. It was like reliving the nightmare every time we saw someone. I just couldn’t do it again. So this time we kept it secret.

 

With the help of our doctors, we gave it another try. So, off to the frozen IVF we went, with renewed hope and a lot of fear. After a dreadful 10 days, that is how long you wait after they do the implantation before you take your first pregnancy blood test, I fearfully went to the lab and had my blood work done. I was at work again and had myself prepared for this test to be negative. My thought process was that I wouldn’t be so crushed if I prepared myself for it ahead of time. I got the call later that morning saying, I was pregnant! I was in shock. I cried, I asked the nurse to repeat it again and I walked around the office in disbelief. My co-workers were asking what was going on and I told them I was pregnant. I was just in total shock. I even called the doctor back and asked them to fax me the results because I didn’t believe them. I called Scott and told him immediately, we were thrilled to say the least. Our dreams had finally come through. We shared the shocking and exciting news with our families on Christmas that year. We had been married for almost 3 years before our little miracle arrived. Cal was born in June of 2006. He was everything and more than we had ever imagined. I remember my first mother’s day. The sure joy I felt with being able to finally share this holiday with all the moms that I loved in my life. Wow, what a feeling!

Our son was born in June of 2006.  Being a parent is absolutely amazing and was far more rewarding than I had ever expected. We loved every part of it. The snuggles, the crying, the dirty diapers and of course all the giggles and milestones we got to experience with him. We decided that we wanted to try to give our son a sibling.

 

We had a few eggs left so we could try another in vitro fertilization. . Back to the IVF clinic we went with our renewed faith in the process and filled with hope.  The process was the same and one we were very familiar with. Shots several times a day, lots of medications and lots of appointments. Game on was my thought. After the implantation and the 10 day wait, I had such a mix of emotions that morning. I didn’t want to let myself be to hopeful and excited but I was. We really wanted Cal to be able to have a sibling to grow up with.

 

Unfortunately, it failed. I was devastated again. I remember looking into our son’s big brown eyes and feeling like I had let him down. I was the reason he was not going to have a brother or sister. We knew that endometriosis was our issue with the fertility, so I felt like I carried the weight of the fertility problems. It felt like it was my fault.

 

Through lots of tears, late-night discussions and the desire to have more children we gave in vitro another try. This was now our 4th in vitro fertilization, with only one being successful.

 

We were optimistic and very hopeful as we entered the in vitro ring again.

 

This round of in-vitro turned out to be the most amazing experience of our life. We found out shortly after the in vitro that we were pregnant and of course we were elated again.

 

However, this time we were expecting twins. We couldn’t have been happier.

 

We were so excited to be able to give our oldest son 2 siblings!

 

The Twins were born in December of 2009. They were such an amazing addition to the family. Our now family of five felt complete. We were enjoying every moment of the kids and every new milestone as they all grew in our crazy, busy, life. At this time the twins were not even a year old and I felt amazing. I had talked with my doctor’s about how great I felt and what I was doing to support my hormones naturally. My doctors continued to support me on my natural journey and told me to continue doing what I was doing as it was obviously helping support healthy hormones. I had done a ton of research at this point in regards to hormones, fertility and especially endometriosis. I knew what hormone was out of balance and what I needed to do. So, I started using all natural supplements, essential oils and specific foods to help my body get rid of the excess estrogen that was stored in my body. I was also using supplements that could help to cleanse my body from all the medications that I had taken from all the fertility treatments. I was determined to beat this disease and feel better. I used essential oils to help with the emotional aspect of the fertility journey. Letting go of those emotions was a huge part of cleaning my body. I also used a computerized tool called a Zyto that could help me to pinpoint what supplements and essential oils my body was looking for. I performed those scans on myself every 2 weeks to help support my body the best I could. It was all about getting back into balance physically, emotionally and spiritually at this point.

 

The Twins were now a year old and I had stopped nursing them and I was still felt great!

 

I continued to work on supporting my hormones and taking the best care of myself that I could. In March of 2011, I wasn’t feeling very well. I was sick and couldn’t figure out what was wrong.

 

After a few weeks, it occured to me that I hadn’t got my period. Much to our surprise and the most amazing miracle ever, we got pregnant on our own! No doctors, no drugs, and no medical intervention. I had worked so hard on supporting my hormones and maintaining a healthy lifestyle that we were able to get pregnant on our own, even though we have been told we would never be able to! It was the most amazing experience of our lives! Our youngest, luck #4, was born in November of 2011. Our family was complete.  

 

We have the most amazing 4 kids we could have ever dreamed of! They fill our lives with so much joy and happiness which is what brings me to sharing my story.

 

Scott and I have always felt that we were sent on this fertility journey so that we could help others. You see, this whole time we didn’t see how many people around us were struggling with fertility as well or had struggled with it.  The more we opened up about our struggles and shared our journey, the more people started sharing with us their journey.

 

With being open about our fertility challenges and we have had the opportunity to help tons of other families on their fertility journey. There is nothing better than knowing that a challenge you faced in your life could be a blessing to somebody else because you are able to offer the support to them that you never had. Having someone to talk to, ask questions to, and to just have them simply listen and understand is a blessing. The journey is always a blessing.